Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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