You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
