Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
