The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
