I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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