But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
