I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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