my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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