If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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