Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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