genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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