don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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