So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
