i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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