Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
