I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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