At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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