I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
