Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
