Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
