The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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