my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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