we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
