my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Did I show you my penis last night?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
