the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Randomize
