..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
