never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
