i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
