when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
