just come out here and I will go home with you...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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