My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
