...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
