chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
