You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
