remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
