Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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