I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
