i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
