I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
