Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
