guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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