Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
