hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
