Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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