im drinking this country out of the recession.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
