so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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