I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
