Will you blow on my dice?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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