if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
