How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she looked like the before picture.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
