It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You pole danced in your parka.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
