I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
