i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
