Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Randomize
