if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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