I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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