i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
