The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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